These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

ACTS OF SURRENDER

(This was something from my journal which I'd like to share... After-effects 'to ng hot choco at hanging-dagat)

Talk about LOVE... I'm in love with the concept. I just don't know if (though I know I shouldn't doubt) I'd be lucky enough to experience it. I'm afraid. And as much as I 'd want to be part of a passionate-life changing- forever enduring kind of love, I'm afraid of relinquishing my independence. I'm afraid of the intimacy; the act of surrender. Would I be strong enough without losing myself? I've seen enough examples to seriously consider foregoing it altogether. I'm quite scared that I'd not be enough for another person; that I'd not be able to really be the unique half of a single unit composed of two wholes. It is silly, I know. I can't decide what's harder - to view things logically or emotionally. Seems like eitherway, it's painful. I've to agree that love does need to be some kind of illusion - at least the romantic part. A dazzling illusion that would overwhelm all reason and would embolden us to take risks which we wouldn't otherwise consider doing (something heard from Joan of Arcadia)....

***

At this point in my life, I've found that I already am fed up with trying to explain away and make excuses for the selfish behavior of other people. Only very very few I guess are actually that civil or polite enough to be considerately honest with their feelings to communicate about it especially when it directly affects other people. Still rarer I think are people humanly compassionate enough to be aware that the things they do can actually make or break or even kill a life. It's a sad thing because you can't even blame them. The journey to such an awareness is always very painful. And then once you've arrived there, you can never retrace your steps... [Who'd be dumb enough to volunteer, eh?] ... and be innocently happy again...

Yet joy can be complete still. Because to finally realize that [as Paolo Coelho wrote] "no one really owns anything," that everything is fleeting and thus every moment should be fully appreciated as long as it lasts, it is necessary to learn how to surrender - to give yourself completely in savoring every moment of life because the things validated by your senses are THE ONLY REAL THINGS you will ever get out of it.

***

I wonder if King Solomon ever regretted asking for wisdom. When I was still very young, I've wished for the same thing too. I guess it is hard to decide whether I should or shouldn't have. Because coming to wisdom is very painful. When you just understand, often it is just the same and as mundane as simply knowing. It doesn't really help you.

You are wise when you have learned to accept things in a positive way. Acceptance is but another long and painful journey, one of the hardest journeys actually if not the hardest of all, that you'd have to take over and over again on the way to self-discovery, self-love and wisdom. I think you can say that you're finally there when you actually live the lesson and be a living inspiration to others.

From love to wisdom? Of course. When you have known what love is, you do become wise. It forces you to be - all that going beyond boundaries and etc. Wisdom cannot be as it is without love. You'd have to appreciate everything, embrace the world and life for all that it is, and in spite and because of all that it encompasses, celebrate it. The two are quite inseparable, both infinitely elusive, wonderfully possible and enduring, and such a damnably exciting and liberating kind of pain! Hah! Crazy, crazy, crazy!

***

I hope I get to love and be loved, to belong with somebody, to rightfully fit, to complete, to be welcomed in someone else's life as a missing essential part.... AMEN. :)
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