These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Fool's Choice

"The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing there's someone in this crazy world for me. The way people come and go through temporary lives, my chance could come and I might never know... " - I Know I Need to be In Love (The Carpenters)

Idealism is as idealism does. I have already been told when I was still very young that it will get me no where. I guess they were mistaken. For one, I think they have misunderstood idealism for perfection. And because of and even despite of it, I have somehow been to "places" I never even dreamt setting my foot on. Yet in the most intimate matters of the heart, faith and idealism are two things that are hard to sustain. Quite hard in fact that to some extent, it is foolishness.

To have faith is to believe without proof. Along with idealism, it is the equivalent of a passionate yet waiting heart, who nobody asked to wait in the first place, that doggedly believes in THE ONE. It could be quite hysterically ridiculous if one considers the fact that there isn't even a standard meaning for the word "LOVE". How could something which someone could very well feel for several persons in varying degrees be reserved for just ONE? And how could one know who that ONE is? The world ever continuously unfolds and one cannot say when a revelation of something is all there is to it. In the end, everything comes back to this word - CHOICE.

I am a fool, I know. I know too that I am a knowing fool. To know what I want and to wait, whether it comes or not, is a choice. If I make such a choice for myself, I understand that I must face the consequences, ready or not. Nobody asked me to wait. Nobody is asking me to give up. Sometimes however, I grow cold and intensely lonely during my watch that the idea of it becomes really appealing. As time passes, so too grows my understanding of harsh realities in direct proportion to my cynicism. I have become an odd creature of contradiction. I no longer believe in pure intentions and yet I still insist that love can be real. But then, what else is there to believe and live for if I give up?

More than a choice, my belief is also a necessity. I have to believe. I already know that life is hard and harsh and painful and even evil. If I have believed that it is all that life could ever offer me, I might have courted death as soon as I've realized that. I have known love though. I have been blessed enough to know it in several guises. I know too that there is more of it that I haven't known yet; that I am yet to see the best. This certainty is borne out of the very knowledge that as a person, I still am capable of knowing and accomplishing a thousand and more things. It is as certain as the fact that no one knows just how many discoveries about the universe still awaits us.

I have chosen to be this kind of fool- one who grows both in understanding and uncertainty, who constantly hovers between despair and passionate belief, and who gets seemingly wiser, crazier and lonelier in the insistence that there indeed exist somewhere an ideal just biding its time to be revealed. But I merely babble. All I actually want to say is this: I just cannot kill hope... so I wait.

So baby I will wait for you
Coz I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I'll run out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine, it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting...

- WAIT FOR YOU (Elliott Yamin)
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