These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

beautiful.


dear stranger, i want you to know
that our fairytale is turning out to be
a fall from grace that’s beyond redemption
a caged bird that i long to set free

you’ve become a numbing coldness that i feel
and could almost touch
our story like dried leaves soaked by the summer rain
rotting, and the stench to prove it is there
a rather overwhelming and tangible pain

ever distant yet ever real
you & your wounding silence crowds my emotion
ever hurtful & ever here
i've become so embittered waiting for salvation

dear stranger i really want to, at last, say goodbye
but it’ll only be a farewell that’s empty and wouldn’t last
for i know that ‘til the day i see you again
i won’t and can’t ever let go of the past.

dear stranger, i really want your memory gone
in my life, you have just brought in so much sadness
but you are & will always be, though i  long to forget you,
one of the most beautiful things in my life that i'd cherish.



19th November 2004

“paper weight”

One by one, let them fall
The sparkling sands in my crystal ball
Like dreams which I am yet to throw away
In undisturbed repose, let them stay
Until such time that I can once again smile
Cause I can’t yet and so, leave them inert for a while.

Sadly to the imprisoned coral given to me
I said, “Dream no more of a reunion with the sea.
It has forgotten. You have never been missed.
Life went on down there, as you lay here and wished.
So just enjoy what there is and cease seeking anymore
Accept that you could never get back to BEFORE.”



-26th October 2004

smallville…


I’m remembering my kryptonite
The one who is gone miles away from here
But still
Echoes of music and memories, of tears and sometimes despair…
Of warmth, of joy
and of love beyond the usual…

I’m remembering him with pain in my heart
Wishing so much that I could just turn away
and let life’s waters erase this unfathomable yearning

I long to find answers to my every why
To go on and live,
Knowing he’s but a part of another lifetime –
A past that I cannot bring back
Or a future that I cannot count on.

I long to move on
and bid goodbye one last time to
a friend who seems to be
forever gone.
But not yet.
Not to my kryptonite…
That one person whom I’m always remembering.

- 26th October 2004

Peripheral.


I will forget.
Of course I will.
But not now, At this instant I cannot.
I will forget
Later on, maybe
But at least
Not now, not yet.

I will forget.
Of course I will
You and all your memories.
I will move on
Like everything’s gone;
Like everything
Is that easy to get over with.

I will forget.
Of course I will.
Coz it is easy to just let go
Of thoughts of you
Right at this moment
Just to remember it the next
Without even trying to.

I have forgotten.
I swear ,I have.
I’ve scourged my mind clean of Y-O-U.
But what of my heart –
That’s another story…
Can’t you feel what its saying?
I do.

- 22nd September 2004

switch.foot

***
inspired by Switchfoot's "YOU"
wouldn't it be nice to be more than a name for someone?...

***

perhaps it is
but an exercise in futility
this reaching out beyond your thousand silence.
willing my faith to stretch through
a distance beyond mere thousand miles.
but i want to believe not in futility
but in me
and in you.

i want to be real.
had always been and will always strive to be true.
gain solidity, if not permanence
gain respect, gain trust.
If friendship is really but an empty word,
and love matters not .

i believe.
and if that makes me a fool, so let it be.
but it will not and ever stop me from believing
that one day soon i’ll finally get through
and be heard, be felt
be finally seen by you.


-15th September 2004

Epistle.

 
I’ll write you one and try hard to be
Just a person intent on writing poetry.
I will keep it simple but not quite so plain
At best I could perhaps not taint it with my pain.

I would not let you see the hurt that you’ve caused.
The trust, that with your lies, I’ve given up as lost.
I’ll pretend to still be blind, and stubbornly refuse to see
The wreck you’ve made of a friendship;
A so embittered and unbelieving me.

I’ll keep back from asking my one and only ‘why’
That is, ‘Why ever did you feel that
from me you’d have to lie?’
 
Yes, I’ll write you one
Though I’m not even sure what’s a damn epistle!
And as for keeping my pain,
Alas! I can’t … FAREWELL!



7th September 2004 (for VME)

21504.

***
it was for valentine, i guess... - a blank SMS
***

Blank.
Like the message U sent
So is my mind
Again overcome by the pain of missing U

When will this end –
This mindless and seemingly senseless grief
Over that which had never been ;
Which I seemed to have lost
Yet never found

Nothing had ever been easy
Nothing ever worth having ever was
But what are U ?!
U of the tormenting dreams
  that haunt  me from even a 
  thousand miles….

The past days have all been sunny.
Why then do I continue to yearn
For the warmth of U ?


-15th February 2004
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