These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Enmity...


…a gap that could never be bridged
and so thirst for forgiveness.
Look
Beyond or back
To wherever you’ve been truly happy.
Remember .
Let the feeling f ill your heart and wipe away all the pain.
But be still.
Let it all come to you.
Open up.
Give in.
And let HIS hand lead you
to where the rainbow is.

- 12.29.03

Yo.

Comfort in words
Solace
In the dizzying promise of unwritten thoughts
Peace
In the untold depths of profoundness
Where I seek to get lost.
Hear, hear
I am once again free
If only I dare find me amid the chaos that the world is proud to call
“a life”.

I do not wish to comprehend
Only to feel;
To immerse myself in the universe of my being
“I” and all its entirety.

Let me.
Let go.
Let flow.
Revel in the sweetness of confusion
Never mind the meaning,
It never did matter.
Someday I may yet emerge
Wise and with a million stories
After plumbing this darkness
After challenging the night to defeat me and run away with my intrepidity
After losing myself …
And yet again
Finding me.

Hah! Life…

(12.08.03)

By tomorrow.

***
remembering "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon
***

Turn back
Don’t go searching
For angels that won’t return
Because you never really believed them to be there
Nor paid enough attention to see them
Passing by

So much for everything
All that had meant so much
And nothing
All that ever was but had never been
Not really

'Rigrrette Rien!'
Just try to look forward to tomorrow
Make-believe that there never was a past
Coz it died with someone’s faith;
With someone’s dreams

Believe these things to be true
For only then could you hope to
Escape the ghosts
That soon would come back
Haunting.


6:03 pm
October 30, 2003

BE.

***
Him  that I love, I wish to be
Free - Even from me.
(Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

***


Let me let go
I don’t want to be the one
To have to hold you back
from what you should be
Go on and take what you can from the world
But first, release me from your memory

I’d gladly give you my angel’s wings
And anything else that would allow me to see
You soaring high into the clouds;
Running wild.
Unbounded.
Free.


So let me let go.
Tell me to move on
Leaving you to your precious liberty
Won’t matter if you ask nicely
Or just push me away
As long as it’s clear
In your life I can no longer stay



Let me let go.
Don’t kill me with your silence.
For once, just be everything that is brave and true.
For you to say that you need me no more
Is all that I am asking of you.



4:03 am
October 29, 2003

Faithless.

I am not
Some fallen autumn leaf
Or stray weed
That you can sweep
Or pull out
And then throw away into
Forgetfulness.
You called me a FRIEND
You LOVED me once
Or was it all really in the past tense?

How could you have made me feel
So precious
And now so unwanted…
Like crumpled paper that you might as well just toss away
Wasted
But not really.


4:30 am
October 26, 2003

Deal !



TALK. Don’t hold them in.
Your unspoken words, they suffocate.
Reach beyond the space between.
Express yourself. COMMUNICATE.

You’re too selfish to share the pain.
Chose to wait ‘til all’s grown rotten.
You’re destroying others with your hurt.
You so rejoice in feeling broken.

Damn the world to your heart’s content
If it’s the only way you can feel better.
Just don’t choke us with your
unexpressed hatred.
Your isolation is one sure killer.



12th October 2003
*for an angry friend

 

Homesick.

I miss you
Whoever you are
A ghost, a memory, a vision
Whatever…
And I don’t know why
I just do.
I have also grown to yearn for you
Wishing you’d come a day sooner than tomorrow
And be my hero.

I have waited for you
I don’t know for how long
Never noticed when it really began
The moment just came, and I knew then,
That in my heart  I already know the one.

I have stood naked before the world
You’re the only one born to truly see
There is no question of who I am to you
I am your precious , and shall ever be.

Could you come away for a moment from the distant future?
And hold me now, close to your loving warmth?
You know be beyond silence,
So take me beyond peace
To where your love brilliantly shines  beyond doubt.

Come and shelter me within your wings
My dearest and closest friend, my seraphim
Fill me with light,
With grace and enduring faith
Never let me be afraid again.

Oh, would the Heavens forsake me if I ask you to stay now
But to be that sinner I’d gladly be…
Still, I want nothing more than to stay true to your love
My one true angel for eternity!

-09.25.03

Homebound.

I don’t know you but you are no stranger.
You are home and I’ve known you for eternity.
When I was born, I was meant to be with you.
To be bound to you by the closest of affinity.

I’ve seen you a thousand times before
In my dreams and during my darkest days.
I’ve felt your nearness and it has always been
That most serene and comforting place.

I don’t know you yet but I know you are there.
Heaven’s child – pure, strong, and true.
Someday will never be too bleak nor far away
With the surety of being reunited with you.


09.25.03

Lighthouse.



I'm as restless as the foams in the ocean
As confused as the ever-changing tide
The crashing waves have left me disheartened
Like in a storm and with no where to hide

Towards the shore I am looking out
Yearning for the feel of even the shifting sand.
I'm in search of a beacon, of even the tiniest flame
Which could lead me towards the solid land.

I am counting on the faith that is in you
On something that is constant; something that's true
In my search of a lifeline amid this engulfing waters
Let your faith shine and draw me closer towards you.


- 08 August 2003

Purple Sky.

Of what color is the color of hope?
Is it like that of the purple sky?
Does it come tinge with the stillness of a wintry morning?
Could it ever be seen by the naked eye?

Is it also made up of varying hues?
Of what difference is that to the heart that feels it?
Is it like music, like light?
To what could it compare?
To the breeze? To angels and baby’s breath?

Is it bright enough to bring in the dawn
To a heart mired in the gloom of despondency?
Is it strong enough to move the spirit,
Compel it to overcome it’s melancholy?

Of what color is the color of hope?
How could anyone ever see it?
And how could anyone believe in it so strongly?
Enough to see it’s light and reflect it?


08.06.03

Evanesce (The Words of Izrafel )



One last drop.
No more promises.
One more step and I’ll be
Nothing but a mere memory
For you will never care
And I have waited ‘til infinity
In vain have longed for
That supposedly shimmering rainbow
After the countless storms you’ve sent my way

It had always seemed futile
My every effort to keep near
So now I am walking away
Out of my own free will
No need to push me now
For no longer shall I be a pebble in you shoe

So long. No, don’t call my name
Don’t give me any reason to turn back.
You’ve had me fooled for so long
Pretending that you knew
But you didn’t, and never will.

Stop your pretensions.
There’s no more need to lie.
I can no longer deny what has long been in my heart
That you will never truly see me
No matter what

I’ll be passing you by.
I will try to forget
That once in my life
I have loved someone as blind as you.

2003 May 15

2.2.4



It wouldn’t matter how often
you still turn away
A part of you will now always be with me
One moment of closeness,
of reassuring warmth
Had healed this heart of its misery

No more the frozen feeling inside.
They’ve all been melted away
by your presence.
You’re the angel of the night
who stood by and held me
‘Til the tears dried up
and the world made sense.

No matter how often you still turn away
Or even if never again will you be near me.
I’ll hold on to that moment and
in the coming storms in my life
Remember the strength it has given me.


- 04.22.03

memo 2.0



turn away. keep them out.
let not the coldness drive u 2 despair.
gain warmth from the thought that for every ebb there’s an overflow…

and so let go.
coz perhaps not until u do,
not until u walk away
will they ever really see
YOU. 

13th April 2003
 

memo 1.0


drown out the crowd.
keep the four winds out  while you
recollect yourself.
refrain from painful reminiscences.
remember nothing but
that you are everything
 beautiful, good and true
and that YOU ARE LOVED.

return to yourself.
then wake up and relive your dreams.


04.04.03

2DAY.

Let me not fear the morning.
I’ve tarried in this darkness for too long.
Let me not shield my eyes
 from the brightness.
Gladden my heart instead
 with welcoming song.

For endless nights I have languished,
Praying for a long-awaited dawn.
Now that it is here, let me not cower.
Allow all weaknesses, from me, be gone,

What right would I have to tomorrow
If I can’t face up
to the challenges of today?
My mistakes I have relegated to the past.
Let them hinder not my way.

The day awaits, I’ve got to get going
If I’m to fulfill every opportunity.
See how the sun shines,
chasing away shadows.
Showcasing life in all it’s brilliancy!


- 01.15.03

Umpteenth.



But what is this?
Would have preferred it to be
Gay sunshine over mist
Though couldn’t deny
That seemingly it is naught
But haziness within the light -
The world becoming one frosted glass.

I am looking out;
Once more searching
For an understanding of you.

2003 January 07
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