These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Nightfall.

 

Where now my similes;
The beautiful metaphors of yesteryears;
Those clear visions of varied hues’
Of pure skies and adamantine seas?

Where went my wings of hope
With which I’ve soared o’er abysmal darkness?
Even the rainbow I last spied
Was broken and pointed to ‘Emptiness’.

I am afraid to close my eyes
Cause I don’t want to anymore see
The overcast skies that would be greeting my tomorrows
The picture of a defeated me.

Please Lord, if there’s any kind of salvation
Left for one who’s taken such a toll
Let me have it now or just
Give rest to this poor, wretched soul.


 29th August 2002

Incognizant



Have often been in your line of vision
But up to now, you still can’t tell
Just how my many burdens, my façade hides
Just how my ‘strong’ words belie
the depth of my need inside.

We’ve often stood so close together
Yet up to now you still can’t tell
That a storm is raging behind my ‘ringing’ laughter
That my smile hides heavy clouds of tangy saltwater.

How could you look at me with unseeing eyes?
How, of the real me, you could be unaware?
Won’t you please stop, and again, try to see me?
Perhaps you could start by trying to care.

5th August 2002

Dusk.

 
No more of this eloquence.
I’ve gone deaf from my own cries.
From the non-stop bombardment of impassioned pleas
All emanating from
And heard only by me.

I too have gone blind.
From being far away for too long.
So I’ll just wait
Until the silence I so detest
again, claim me;
Shroud me in stillness;
Pacify me with it’s dreadful calm.

Bitterness is turning to hate –
An all consuming fire.
So let me burn.
As if there’s someone in this whole damned world
Who cares!


 17th August 2002

Abyss

 
I’m drowning
In this grief I cannot voice out.
Choking
On salty droplets I cannot shed.
For how long should I stand upon this lonely cliff
Exposing my wounds to
A world that will never hear
Will never see
Because they’re deaf;
They’re blind;
They refuse to.


 16th August 2002

Melancholy

 
I long to be weak
That I may find my strength again.
Coz I’m so sick of being my own hero.
Of the lone companionship of my thoughts
So tired of continuously losing myself among familiar faces.

They can’t see
That I can’t deny them
 what they demand of me
And in so doing
Lose myself and gain nothing
Only becoming
Bitter, broken, empty.

I am slipping away.
So anywhere but here, please let me be.
Within, the seed of hate is day by day growing.
The mirror is starting to reflect nothing
My defenses are all crumbling
And I see myself
Defeating me.


12th August 2002

Overdose

 
Am turning into a bitter pill
Am shivering
From my nakedness yet no one sees.

Can anyone
Lead me away from where I’m standing?
Am tethering at the brink of nothing.
My fear, can’t anyone sense?
My cry to heaven, can’t anyone hear?

I long to crawl
To shrink back into my darkened cell
Beggar that I am for recognition
For an answer that couldn’t be given.

To where do I run for succor?
From myself, to where do I turn?
Not even a hand is there to hold me
This anguish I can no longer bear.


12th August 2002

Incognizant

 
Have often been in your line of vision
But up to now, you still can’t tell
Just how my many burdens, my façade hides
Just how my ‘strong’ words belie
 the depth of my need inside.

We’ve often stood so close together
Yet up to now you still can’t tell
That a storm is raging behind my ‘ringing’ laughter
That my smile hides heavy clouds of tangy saltwater.

How could you look at me with unseeing eyes?
How, of the real me, you could be unaware?
Won’t you please stop, and again, try to see me?
Perhaps you could start by trying to care.


5th August 2002

Backtracking



I’ve been thinking of how I've lived in the shadows
‘Til dawn made me realize there’s more life under the sun
So bravely I walked out into the open
And offered my self, my heart to none.

The world, I found, is indeed greedy.
Rough hands immediately took hold of me
Into bridges and anchors, this willing self was fashioned
And used at every opportunity.

I couldn’t say that I regret coming out into the sunshine
But I’ve found I need to retreat into the shadows once more.
Because the world, in its great need, had worn me so much
I need to get back into what I was before.


 5th August 2002

August

 
Heaven seems so far away
As I lay here with my broken wing.
I’ve fallen
From grace cause of my sensitivity.

I feel too much.
Wasn’t able to see
The eventuality of being crushed
By the world and all its burdens.

So here I am.
Abandoned at the edge of some precipice.
Beside which lay nothing
As I’ve nothing but my provision of prayers
To sustain me.


 5th August 2002

From memory



You are storm
And this is the aftermath –
Pain and all its synonyms.

But enough.
I will welcome the rain to refresh my spirit
But I refuse to be left hopeless;
Chilled to my very soul.

Pass me by.
I’ll mark you as just another storm.

3rd August 2002

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