These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Summoning the Dawn.

So come quickly, Fair Aurora.
Be the thief that steals away
the gloom of night
Be the midnight rain that showers hope
Upon this yet slumbering spirit.

Take me into Awareness;
To that land yonder
these melancholic dreams.
Carry me to freedom
Through your sweet promise of a brand new day.


- 10.04.02

2 u


Stay and be the seraphim
Who’ll help me grow back my broken wing.
Hold me within your comforting warmth.
Allow my faith to be regained.

Know that whenever you are near
I see sunshine pour in and dispel the darkness
No more the shadows which so frightens
And fragile peace, for a moment,
becomes mine again.

With your strength let me soar
o’er this tumultuous sea
Let your voice be my guide to serenity
Make me believe that life
will always be worth living.
Be the morning that shines upon this night in me.


09.29.02
*for Gie, and for my personal angels - people who had, in one way or another, touched and inspired me, and brought magic into my life

Aquamarine.



Deep and boundless as the sea
So my soul cries out to thee
But from what you’ve shown it’s either
You care not to traverse these waters
Or are just too cowardly

Speak now and shatter this stillness
Tis an impasse, I’m beginning to see
Wash off this growing resentment
Let not the salt add anymore injury

Heed this strangled entity
Before the tide sweeps faith from me
Let me not be dragged further into the depths
Redeem me from this crashing apathy.

2002 September 16

Nightfall.

 

Where now my similes;
The beautiful metaphors of yesteryears;
Those clear visions of varied hues’
Of pure skies and adamantine seas?

Where went my wings of hope
With which I’ve soared o’er abysmal darkness?
Even the rainbow I last spied
Was broken and pointed to ‘Emptiness’.

I am afraid to close my eyes
Cause I don’t want to anymore see
The overcast skies that would be greeting my tomorrows
The picture of a defeated me.

Please Lord, if there’s any kind of salvation
Left for one who’s taken such a toll
Let me have it now or just
Give rest to this poor, wretched soul.


 29th August 2002

Incognizant



Have often been in your line of vision
But up to now, you still can’t tell
Just how my many burdens, my façade hides
Just how my ‘strong’ words belie
the depth of my need inside.

We’ve often stood so close together
Yet up to now you still can’t tell
That a storm is raging behind my ‘ringing’ laughter
That my smile hides heavy clouds of tangy saltwater.

How could you look at me with unseeing eyes?
How, of the real me, you could be unaware?
Won’t you please stop, and again, try to see me?
Perhaps you could start by trying to care.

5th August 2002

Dusk.

 
No more of this eloquence.
I’ve gone deaf from my own cries.
From the non-stop bombardment of impassioned pleas
All emanating from
And heard only by me.

I too have gone blind.
From being far away for too long.
So I’ll just wait
Until the silence I so detest
again, claim me;
Shroud me in stillness;
Pacify me with it’s dreadful calm.

Bitterness is turning to hate –
An all consuming fire.
So let me burn.
As if there’s someone in this whole damned world
Who cares!


 17th August 2002

Abyss

 
I’m drowning
In this grief I cannot voice out.
Choking
On salty droplets I cannot shed.
For how long should I stand upon this lonely cliff
Exposing my wounds to
A world that will never hear
Will never see
Because they’re deaf;
They’re blind;
They refuse to.


 16th August 2002

Melancholy

 
I long to be weak
That I may find my strength again.
Coz I’m so sick of being my own hero.
Of the lone companionship of my thoughts
So tired of continuously losing myself among familiar faces.

They can’t see
That I can’t deny them
 what they demand of me
And in so doing
Lose myself and gain nothing
Only becoming
Bitter, broken, empty.

I am slipping away.
So anywhere but here, please let me be.
Within, the seed of hate is day by day growing.
The mirror is starting to reflect nothing
My defenses are all crumbling
And I see myself
Defeating me.


12th August 2002

Overdose

 
Am turning into a bitter pill
Am shivering
From my nakedness yet no one sees.

Can anyone
Lead me away from where I’m standing?
Am tethering at the brink of nothing.
My fear, can’t anyone sense?
My cry to heaven, can’t anyone hear?

I long to crawl
To shrink back into my darkened cell
Beggar that I am for recognition
For an answer that couldn’t be given.

To where do I run for succor?
From myself, to where do I turn?
Not even a hand is there to hold me
This anguish I can no longer bear.


12th August 2002

Incognizant

 
Have often been in your line of vision
But up to now, you still can’t tell
Just how my many burdens, my façade hides
Just how my ‘strong’ words belie
 the depth of my need inside.

We’ve often stood so close together
Yet up to now you still can’t tell
That a storm is raging behind my ‘ringing’ laughter
That my smile hides heavy clouds of tangy saltwater.

How could you look at me with unseeing eyes?
How, of the real me, you could be unaware?
Won’t you please stop, and again, try to see me?
Perhaps you could start by trying to care.


5th August 2002

Backtracking



I’ve been thinking of how I've lived in the shadows
‘Til dawn made me realize there’s more life under the sun
So bravely I walked out into the open
And offered my self, my heart to none.

The world, I found, is indeed greedy.
Rough hands immediately took hold of me
Into bridges and anchors, this willing self was fashioned
And used at every opportunity.

I couldn’t say that I regret coming out into the sunshine
But I’ve found I need to retreat into the shadows once more.
Because the world, in its great need, had worn me so much
I need to get back into what I was before.


 5th August 2002

August

 
Heaven seems so far away
As I lay here with my broken wing.
I’ve fallen
From grace cause of my sensitivity.

I feel too much.
Wasn’t able to see
The eventuality of being crushed
By the world and all its burdens.

So here I am.
Abandoned at the edge of some precipice.
Beside which lay nothing
As I’ve nothing but my provision of prayers
To sustain me.


 5th August 2002

From memory



You are storm
And this is the aftermath –
Pain and all its synonyms.

But enough.
I will welcome the rain to refresh my spirit
But I refuse to be left hopeless;
Chilled to my very soul.

Pass me by.
I’ll mark you as just another storm.

3rd August 2002

Anathema



I call you ‘Ice’
Because only you dared meet my warmth
With frozen indifference
Was it my fault?
Should have never denied you my name
So I could still say yours.
But it‘s done.
You’re not frozen
Anymore
But I don’t exist.

So be it.

2002 July 23

Coda.



Now my journey is almost done
The seven bucks spent, already gone
Unlike yours which you never did spend
Kept safe in your pocket from start to end

Selfish, you’re not
I guess you’re just wise
Unlike foolish me, a ‘martyr’ in disguise
I can never break rules
Just like you do
Am always too sensitive
I ought to have followed you
I’ll just take my leave now
Drag my feet home to rest
Should have known, should have known
Can’t always have the best

So goodbye to you
A period I’m gonna put here
To mark the end of my journey
Before I finally disappear.

2002 July 23

Long Distance.



If only in my dreams, please hold me.
Let me feel the warmth of you.
Repeat the words that say I'm precious.
Make me believe that I am loved too.

Even if you are that far,
Please reach out and comfort me.
Let your spirit bridge time and distance
And save me from this misery.

So anguished, I cannot keep from crying out
I'm sorry if I cannot face this alone.
I need you, so please stay and hold me,
Even if in truth, I'm but on my own.


- 19th July 2002

Fairytale



And I found you –
Myself staring back at me
Through different eyes
Didn’t realize the connection;
The reflection being not one, yet the same
Just felt the cosmic pull
And fell
And started to care

So where to now
With my deflated balloon?
You couldn’t see what it was that I have given
And I thought the stars have returned to their old waltz
It’s but to a different tune that they’re now dancing

Should I,
Could I just turn away
And let the image fade into oblivion?
Within and without
I feel imprisoned
These walls, I yearn to break free from


2002 July 19

Unclaimed.



I left a package for you
At the counter of life’s store
Nothing fancy -
A plain parcel wrapped in brown paper

I wonder if that is the reason why
It has been there for some time
And it seems to me that you have no intention
Of ever laying claim

How would you know what’s inside?
Just how could you appreciate?
Unless you open it
And see my priceless gift
Of self

2002 July 08

Ice.



All the world has known
Still you haven’t heard
All the world has seen
Still you haven’t noticed
All the world has felt
Still you haven’t responded
And all the world will start to forget
Still you haven’t known.

2002 July 6

Vivid.



Soaring free.
Enduring horrors.
Breathing in beauty…

Because words don’t exist.
Only pictures.
Forever inscribed,
And from time to time remembered.

6th July 2002

Afflicted.



I am ridden
With wanting something I can never have.
Reaching
For something that’s way farther than I ever expected.

So slowly I shall unclasp
My fingers ‘round that which never was.
With closed eyes, I will cut
The string which never did really bind

I am again letting go
Of something which has never been mine.
I am again gathering
These nearly-scattered pieces of self
Back to the core of me

2002  July 04

Blinded



Dawn does not exist.
Not in this place –
A stony beach littered with broken shells;
With shattered, fragile dreams.

Warmth is illusion.
There’s nothing but a fierce hope to ward off the chill
And as the tide continues to rise with the moon’s growing fullness,
The strengthening wind whips the soul into freezing emptiness.

Mockery –
The tune to which the stars here dance.
Nothing but brilliant slivers of light against velvety blackness
Cruel and piercing,
They are the eyes
Which led me here in the first place


2002 June 28

Blinded no.2

 
Course and pebbled is the beach
Where my feet has led me
I’m bleeding from the cut of a million stones
I’m ever so tired, so weary.

The tide is high, the current strong
And my bones are almost freezing
But since tonight, I’m all alone
No warmth would come sustaining.

I could hear it again,
that insistent whispering
The sea is calling out my name
And I’ve grown so numb; my strength is failing
I’m halfway into giving in.

The stars, they’re nothing but brilliant slivers
Of light against velvet black.
Cruel and piercing eyes that reflect
No hope. No warmth does it give back.

The moon has grown, it’s now so round.
The tide is rising fast.
Nearer into the mysterious depths I’m drawn.
For how long could I still last?


22nd June 2002

Blinded.



Dawn does not exist.
Not in this place
A stony beach littered with broken shells;
With shattered, fragile dreams.

Warmth is illusion.
There’s nothing but a fierce hope to ward off the chill
And as the tide continues to rise with the moon’s growing fullness,
The strengthening wind whips the soul into freezing emptiness.

Mockery –
The tune to which the stars here dance.
Nothing but brilliant slivers of light against velvety blackness.
Cruel and piercing, they are the eyes
Which led me here in the first place.


22nd June 2002


Blinded No. 1


Seeking for refuge; an escape
This is where my feet has led me
A stony beach with broken shells
I’m bloodied and ever so wary.

The moon has grown, it’s now so round
The tide is rising fast.
Nearer into the depths I’m drawn
For how long shall my strength would last?

And yes, I could hear it again.
That silent but insistent whispering.
The sea is calling out my name
Promising to end my suffering.


22nd June 2002, 1:05 am


Cubed

 
Nothing,
And yet at night
Something is echoing within.

No one,
And yet in my mind
There’s someone for whom teardrops are falling.

None.
And yet in that deepest part
Nothing, no one and none
Has the power to
Deeply hurt.


14th June 2002

Insurgent



Bounded, captive I may seem to be
By elderly pride - pure tyranny,
Stronger so shall my will shall strive
To live rightly my right to life
To fulfill duty and take action
Carry out what I must in spite of distractions
Remain inviolate and safeguard my innocence
Against hungry cynics and the pitfalls of corruption

In my youth is where most of strength lie
Therefore ‘to give my best’, that must be my battle-cry
To be open-minded, intellectually-free
A well-rounded character; a symbol of individuality.

I’ll refrain from pretense and only live what is real
An integrity unquestioned – that is my goal and my zeal
It won’t matter how bounded or captive I may seem to,
For always shall I find a way to be free.

2002 June 14

Prelude



Don’t tease me
The words you say may all come true
And if by then, I’ve fallen so deep
You would’ve been the one to break this heart into two.

Don’t tease me
Because I’m the kind who easily believes
My trust has been pawned by your first words
Pretty soon there’ll come the tears.

So don’t tease me
Just keep your words ‘til these moments have passed.
Right now, silence is already killing me
I fear I’m bound for a terrible crash.

2002 May 28


Full Circle.


Asked
Was a question of who
Am I to you.
Unanswered
Was a series of one H
and five Ws;
Because you refused to.


So time sped by
With me waiting for
Nothing, it had seemed
'Til you spoke and made it clear
You didn't hear
What I was supposed to be saying.


But you did care
And in telling me so gave me the period
I needed to complete the circle.

And it was
But a year ago.


-   26TH May 2002

Sunflower.











Open up and see
Just how much greener
the world can be
Just how many important by-ways
In a narrow road may lay.
Just how bright the sun can shine
Even in the bleakest day.

Cheer up and feel,
No matter how odd or unreal,
The reality of your humanity;
Whether hurting or happy –
YOU ARE LOVED…
Just as much as you do !


05.25.02

The 23rd.


It's time to count my blessings
As I say 'farewell' to you
As I thank you for the memories of the last four years
For the knowledge that you've loved me too

Past are the days that I have cried
Coz I wrongly thought you no longer cared
Still those were the times I learned much of myself
Especially when through it all, the love remained

I've learned to overcome my fears
To bravely say what I've been honestly feeling
I have learned what faith is all about
Of remaining true despite the suffering

I've learned to hold on even though it had seemed
There's nothing more left to believe in
In facing the pain, I came to find strength
To hope when there's no longer hope of healing

So now I am reaching out to thank you
For everything you taught me to be
Because of you, I am forever changed
Into a stronger and better me

For all these, I wish I could be your angel
But I can only be your lifetime buddy
Promise, I shall always be here for you
My dearest friend, mi mon ami


-21st April 2002

Final Answer.


I never got to say the right words
Never knew if you did rightly understand
Worse, I never savored your comforting warmth
Even pulled away when you tried to hold my hand

I'm sorry for those things I never got to say to you
I'm sorry for everything we never got to do
After all that has happened, after asking all those 'whys'
I know now that I can only say
'So long' but not 'Goodbye’

I have asked for a period
Instead I was given three
After all this time, it's still
Between an I.L.U. , buddy


- 21st April 2002

Infinite.


Not until FOREVER
Because forever is NOW.
Not until
 I've concluded
For no conclusion is   
   forthcoming.
Not 'til you've gone
For you will always
               be here
     WITHIN.


-21st April 2002

Dumb.


Silence could only stretch so far
And I'm beginning to
Hate you
For your closed lips
Your unyielding wall
Your unbridgeable distance

Is it,
Were it,
All true?

Really dumb,
Are you?!


-19th April 2002

Porcelain.

***
Amor Vincit Omnia...
***

In between dreams
Amid the rush of pure thought
Came a flashing insight,
a jolting reminder
That I have held a priceless truth
In fragility and preciousness,
unsurpassed

Strengthened by faith
though been unbelieving
Sustained by courage
despite the bleeding scars
Like a phoenix rising
from the ashes of destruction
Had weakened, had faltered
but rallied again.

Though been submerged
in salty waters
Undamaged it was,
but thoroughly cleaned
Purified by sacrifice of a heart broken
Glazed brilliance enhanced
As only enduring love can

Out of the shadows
from whence it came
Blissful sunshine
poured forth in triumph
No more the hazy, confusing darkness
Only crystal truth,
as it always has been.

- 14th April 2002

Dedication page: The Book of The Fallen

dedication:

‘Light me a candle,
SEND ME A BLUEBIRD,
and a thousand monarch butterflies.’


----

One does not become enlightened
by imagining figures of light
But by making the darkness conscious.

C. G. JUNG

-----------

AZRIEL,
The Servant of the Bones

“ Anger is a confusing force and hatred is blinding”

The Servant of the Bones, Anne Rice, Bantam Books, c1996

Cretin



… ang tawag ko sa ‘yo
Alam mo kung bakit?
K’se ang tanga-tanga mo
Masama pa niyan, hindi ka aware
Sa kakulangan ng iyong I.Q.

Kung puwede nga lang magpahiram ng utak
Matagal ko nang ginawa
Kaysa makita kang katawa-tawa
At mukhang kawa-awa

Pero ayos lang, palibhasa kasi
Konti pa lang ang nakakabuko
Kaya akala mo okey lang talagang
Nagpapaikot ka ng tao.

Hindi mo ba alam, at least man lang
Dapat babawi ka sa character
Pero ni hindi mo gets ang meaning ng ‘integrity’
Ano ka ba’ng klaseng monster ?!

2002 April 2
Galit ako dahil nawala ang address book ko! Grrr!

Monsieur De Lioncourt


You've loved Gretchen
You've loved Dora
Why don't you love me too?
Even if it's only for my blood;
For this throbbing mass I call 'heart'
Or just for my human fragility.

Come out and lead me
To follow the soundless echo of your footsteps,
Take me to Stillness
Or to wherever your soul,
in its immortal restlessness,
may beckon.

I'd rather be with you
Than be alone in this Savage Garden
With someone who
Doesn't want
And simply has no need
Of me.

…come out, come out, wherever you are….
(A Summons!)
28th March 2002

Monsieur De Lioncourt (a summons)

 
You've loved Gretchen.
You've loved Dora.
Why don't you love me too?
Even if it's only for my blood;
For this throbbing mass I call 'heart'
Or just for my human fragility.

Come out and lead me
To follow the soundless echo of your footsteps,
Take me to Stillness
Or to wherever your soul,
    in its immortal restlessness,
may beckon.

I'd rather be with you
Than be alone in this Savage Garden
With someone who
Doesn't want
And simply has no need
Of me.


…come out, come out, wherever you are….
28th March 2002

My Song


In you I saw myself
A child, lonely and lost
Yearning for a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on to

So I held your hand
To drive the coldness from mine
Drew you close and wiped your tears
That I may feel a little less lonely

And they ask me why
Why do I feel this way for you
What's the difference between falling in love
And loving you

Perhaps they wouldn't understand
Perhaps you wouldn't too
But hear me now as I say this
What I want for myself, I do for you

- MY SONG
23rd March 2002

Fast Forward.


I long for this nightmare to be over
That I may be able to start anew
Can't get over the sad reality
That I'm on the verge of losing you

If holding on tight could only make a difference
I'll hold you fast and not let go
But fate is a nemesis that's way beyond me
A strong current over which I've no power to stop the flow

Can't we just skip over this chapter?
I'm afraid I can no longer carry on the fight
I'm finding it hard to breathe in these shadows
Can't I simply wake up to a new morning's light?

But the immediate tomorrow
  would only bring fresh wounds
It will be hard to get by knowing you're gone
Still, those thousand miles
    won't keep this self from assuring
That in this heart you will always have a home.

-18th March 2002

Still.


I can't take back what I have given
And if I could, I'd give it all again to you
From everything else,
You're already forgiven
Even if it means exposing my other cheek too

This love, I know, I can never question
It doesn't need any rights to be justified
And only you could stop the floodwaters from coming
Along with the millions I've already cried.


-17th March 2002

Blackhole.


Return.
Patch up this gaping hole you have created
Its draining me;
Drawing out all remaining energy

So bad, I can't go on
Know I might collapse
Till you've placed the last stitches
Back on.

- 17th March 2002

As requested.



I’m at a loss.
Seeking out into the farthest corners of my mind
Not for a rhyme
Nor for poetic inspiration
But for the simplest words that would let you know how humbled I am
With what you have confronted me with.

You were right,
I guess
And only two words could echo the cry of my heart –
I’M SORRY.

2002  March 12

*for Borj's angry girlfriend

To where the grass is greener



Fly away and leave us be
You’ve dreamt of this journey for so long
Traverse the miles that keep you from
The land where, so they say, the grass is greener

Follow the path that millions took
Look forward to the reality of dreams
Bid goodbye to this dirty nook
Of poverty and harsh living

But this is home
And we trust it will always be home for you
Unless your heart take root
And grow deeply in that far away land

Go then.
But look back from time to time
Remember us and come back
If you can wrench yourself away
From the charms, the life, the hold
Of the land where they say the grass is greener.



2002 March 7
For friends who have gone overseas

My Heart Grieves.


Coldness gripped me like a vise
For once everything seemed still
Not one sound I could hear except
The frantic rush of my blood

Yet I could not feel a thing
But the finality of numbing sorrow
And I began to choke on
A flood of tears that won't fall

You are indeed kryptonite
I feel I've no more strength to spare and affection to give
What I had, you have taken -
Without replenishing the spring,
Down
To the Last Drop.

-   7th March 2002

he taught me how it is to feel a heart-numbing, tear-freezing coldness...and to this day, i can still feel this very exact moment...

Early Summer.

***
remembering being told that he is leaving within the month...
***


My heart is leaden
Stiff from drying isolation.
Parched earth
Seeking for a spell of rain;
For an answer that wouldn't come.

My heart is cracked from desolation
Yet heavy with salty
And  ncondensed water drops
Which may fall
Unbidden.

(Ruminations #3)7th March 2002

Early Summer

 
My heart is leaden.
Stiff from drying isolation.
Parched earth
Seeking for a spell of rain;
For an answer that wouldn’t come.

My heart is cracked
From desolation
Yet heavy with salty and uncondensed water drops
Which may fall
Unbidden.


 7th March 2002

Suicide.

Was safe inside the deadly calm
Of the tornado’s eye
But chose to dive into the frenzied winds –
Their shrieking chorus
At one with my anguish.

More than tossed,
Was battered,
Bruised.
Could have easily surrendered to
The inevitable catastrophe;
To silence.


But as the storm was destructive,
So was my will equally strong –
Indomitable
And again I found the calm.

This time, with it
Was blessed sunshine.


03.04.02

All the little things.



And now let me tell you all the little things
     That often make my day
A smile, a hug, even when unsolicited
     Can drive the aches away.

A tiny effort to make me forget
     Whatever is troubling me
Would mean a lot in the days to come
     When I’d need to be at my most steady
    
 A little note that tells me one cares
     Can make any burden of mine, easy
It would be like taking a truckload off
     My frail li’l shoulders to carry

And when I’m in the deepest throes of depression
     Let me tell you what keeps me hanging on
Its not encouraging talk, nor lavish treats
     But just the warm, comforting presence of someone.

2002 February 12

Futility

 
Enough. There is no mystery.
Only the reality of a prickly thorn.
Forget the rose and its promised sweetness.
An inducer of bitterness is what it has become.

Arise. Depth is but a trick
In the changing shadows of the aquamarine sea..
There’s nothing profound ‘bout an emerald iceberg –
An adamantine knife devoid of poetry.


10th February 2002

Message Received.


Say no more

Not now.
The silence you have answered me with has gained strength
In eloquent volumes
it imparts
The depth of your indifference.

Say no more
Neither do fear.
What anger I felt didn't stay for long
Guilty or not
You need not say a word
Not now, when it has come to pass,
Gone.

Say no more
Just let it rest
Speak not when you've lost the chance to
You weren't there
The last and only time I called -
Just when I most needed you.



15th January 2002
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