These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Wishing for Angels.


I wished for angels
To hold me within their wings
So I could forget that I have wounds that would not heal
Because you wouldn't speak.
And with every passing moment of silence,
I am cut more deeply.

So I wish for angels
For only  them  could comfort me
Tonight.

31ST December 2001

Overdue.


And silence was my reward
After all the pain
After all the struggle against pride
After all the arguments I've waged
upon this often-reasonable self
Just so I could let you know.

What more should I do?
Wait -
Till I can't wait no more?

You are
Among the questions
I still have to reckon with.


27th December 2001

UNSENT

“Can anyone be so blessed and we so pure that we can offer him tenderness?”
- FRIENDSHIP by Ralph Waldo Emerson-



They are like letters –
Unwritten or unsent,
These thoughts that are
Expressed, yet unvoiced;
Either from lack of courage
From lack of faith
Or from lack of opportunity

But I write them
Though not out of hope that
They would be read
By those to whom they were written for
Rather I write them
That I may, in the least possible way
Remember
That once in my life
Their lives touched mine.


(2001 December 19)

Unsent



They are like letters –
Unwritten or unsent,
These thoughts that are
Expressed, yet unvoiced;
Either from lack of courage
From lack of faith
Or from lack of opportunity

But I write them
Though not out of hope that
They would be read
By those to whom they were written for
Rather I write them
That I may, in the least possible way
Remember
That once in my life
Their lives touched mine.


2001 December 19

DOST



If only for this moment
Let me hold back the sands of time
Imprint these passing images
More clearly into this heart of mine
The longer to hold every hand
The better to see every face
The more intently to listen to every word
The better to communicate, to understand

This heart, it aches like it’s torn apart
From being far away for too long
From the collective warmth of kindred hearts
Of brothers and sisters;   of home




2001 December 12

For my classmates,IV DOST  of PNHS Batch 1998-1999:
In the occasion of our 2001 get-together at Maryliz Mendoza’s residence


 

Conclusion



A part of me, yet not of my blood
That’s what you essentially are.
Someone whose weaknesses are
To be surmounted by my strengths
Whose strengths
Will overcome my own frailties –
A sister: a friend.

This tireless, querying heart
I now lay to rest.
Secure in my belief that
This love, this link is a gift
And I’ll be forever thankful for it,
This blessing that is
You

2001 December 04

Brother.



Then you reached out and held my hand
Told me things no one has told me before
Comforted me with words I’ve often comforted others with
And filled a part of me that longed to be completed

I haven’t known such vulnerability
Not since that night
When you coaxed this inner self to come out
Exposed yet unashamed
Open, yet not naked

I could haBve embraced you
But laughter destroyed the mood
You released my hand, yet
something was left behind for you
And I doubt
If I could ever get it back.

2001 December 04
for A.R. Punzalan

the sky is falling.

 
The sky has turned purplish grey
And somewhere along the horizon
Lightning pierces the air.
Thunder rolls
And the ensuing silence that signals
the imminent storm
Matches the dread that’s in your heart.
Then the rain comes
In torrents
Just like your tears…

So this is how it feels -
Having no refuge
Crying your heart out because of some unbearable ache
That wouldn’t go away
No matter how hard you convince yourself that
Everything is going to be
Alright.
Because it simply hurts so much.


30th November 2001

For lack of a better term



I wanted so much to tell you
How much you mean to me
But then I just might scare you
I can lose you easily

I have nothing to hold on to.
Nothing to shield me from pain
I feel so exposed now.
This love, I deny, in vain.

How can I even fight it
When I can’t help but respond to your cry?
It is all beyond reach of my reason
Can’t just ignore it, though hard I try.

2001 November 22

"So many questions" daw!



Nah, I give up!
Gonna just enjoy the ride
And see what treasures I can find on this riverside
Coz what’s the use of questioning
When from the start, the battle’s been half-won
What’s the point in resisting
When I can just give up and have fun

Now, all doubts I have within
My Lord, I’m surrendering them all to you
Taking comfort in the knowledge that through every pain
You’ve been my Bestfriend, constant and true
Bless me Lord. Guide my heart.
Let me not hesitate in opening doors.
Reassure me and please strengthen my faith.
This boat I’m in, please lead to it’s proper course.

2001 November 21

Boredome blues #3


Yup, waiting na naman
Pa’no maaga kaming na-dismiss
Maaga rin k’se siyang natapos
Nang discussion ng class policies

Anyway, may Lib card na ulit ako
Meaning I can borrow books again
Nga pala, while I’m writing this
I’m munching on M&Ms
Wala, nabanggit ko lang
Kse nga ‘alang masabi
Sa sobrang dami ng thoughts sa utak ko
Mag-ooverload na yata, grabe
But at least, allow me to mention
Kung sino-sinong stars sa isip ko ngayon
Si Papa, si Joe, si Allen
(Para ba’ng mga kampon?)
He,he, pero kidding aside
Imi-meet ko pala si Jemma ngayon
Then assigns, meetings, appointments
And marami pang iba, bukod do’n

(2ND SEM, 2001-2002)

20th November 2001, 9:30 am / ILS Hall

Faultline



You were part of a chapter I’ve already left behind
A period I’ve put there marks the end of the line
But now you’re here again, knocking at my heart
Acting like you’d like to be a part of it
Impatient for a new story to start.

Tell me, are you for real?
Do you really want to be my friend
Haven’t I told you before of what you could do
If you would but make the smallest lie, or pretend?
If that’s all what this is about
I want no part of your game
I’d rather that you leave me alone.
I’m not in shape now to delve into more pain.

Go away, wandering spirit
Don’t win me over with that seeming openness on your part
You’re not far from impressing me
Later I just might end up with a broken heart
I’ve loved you then, still love you now
Though it is but a cherished memory
If you succeed, I’ll just love you more
And at the same time, be wallowing in misery.

2001 November 19

Boredom blues #2



Di rin tamad ‘tong teacher ko
Pasimple pa ang g_ __o
Darating-dating ng late
Sabay sabing he’ll always expect us to wait
For him at least until clock strikes 9
Ba! Tingin niya sa sarili niya  ‘divine’
Instructor for whom we’ll have to wait upon?
Nah, more like someone na magaling mang-indiyan
No, don’t get me wrong
It’s not like that I don’t like him
Pinagdidiskitahan ko lang
Coz medyo groggy pa ang aking gising
Sabay sobra sa madali
Yun pala, wala rin
Pag nakabawi ako ng tulog,
Then I’ll forgive him.


(2ND SEM, 2001-2002)

19th November 2001, 8:10 am / PH221

Bneath an acacia 3ee



If I could, why should I give the world to you?
To prove that I’m loyal and indeed true?
To let you know I’m really a friend
Someone to count on til the end.

If it’s mine, why should I give the world to you
When I  need no proof of my honesty
When all the evidences lie in your heart –
You trust, your faith, your affection for me.

And even if I have it to give
I wouldn’t give the world to you
For all that stands for is naught compared
To my sincerity, my respect, my love for you.

2001 November 19  
for Joe-giennyl Betayo's 16th birthday

Boredom blues #1



Heto ako ngayon, nakaupo
At kung anu-ano ang iniisip
Habang nakayuko’t pinagmamasdan
Ang mga filters ng  Malboro’t Phillip
Alright! Another set of blues
Though not borne of another dilemma
Eh di ba nga, tulad ng dati
Nagsusulat ako kse walang magawa?
Although this time, deins na sa lib
Sa Sunken na ‘ko nagmumukmok
Buti na nga lang at this particular minute
Deins ako inaantok!
Or else I’ll be tempted to lie down
Sarap ‘kse ng hangin ditto,
Presko, sarap tumambay
Kahit pati pang-upo ko’y nababato

Okei lang, sanay na naman
Although kainis pa rin
Coz hanggang ngayon ‘ala pa ring pang-lunch
Really, sobra ako kung malasin.



(2ND SEM, 2001-2002)

19th November 2001, 12:35 pm / Sunken’s edge

If ever you'll ask why.


Because I'm no longer secure
In what I used to share with you
Because you're no longer the sensitive fellow
I used to entrust myself to
Because I used to forget my cares and am happy
Whenever I spend time with you
But now I often find myself wondering
If you're only going through the motions, or being true
Because things no longer are the way they were
Because in my every reminiscences
I often use the phrase "used to"
Most of all, because I already miss
The friend I used to have in you.


16TH November 2001

Unaccounted.

Still thinking 'bout what to do and say
Still hoping that we'd see each other
And you'd listen, not turn away

Convincing myself it's still worth it
Telling myself you did, and still care
Searching for truths in this tangle
Doing my best not to despair

And I wonder, what if I just give it up
Would it make any difference to you
What if I stop holding on to this bond
In your world, would it alter a thing or two

When I'm gone, do you honestly think
That you would, somehow, miss me too
Or would you just go on and live life as if
I never really meant anything to you

You're hurting me, are you even aware
Of that and of how this heart is bleeding
We're supposed to be friends and yet in this  pain
Seems I'm all alone in suffering

- 16TH November 2001

Sa EDSA.



Kung ang pupuntahan mo’y daraanan ang EDSA
Huwag kang sasakay sa de-aircon na bus
Dahil bukod sa holdapan at masangsang na sari-saring amoy ‘pag rush hour
Ay kakikitiran ka rin ng paningin.
Itatago ng mga frosted na bintana at saradong kurtina
Ang tanawin at buhay na s’yang kaluluwa ng EDSA.

Kung ang papupuntahan mo’y daraanan ang EDSA
Magmasid-masid ka.
Makinig at makiramdam ‘di lamang sa mama o aleng katabi mo na mandurukot pala
Kun’di sa kalakaran ng mga nilalang na pumaparoo’t-parito sa kaligiran ng EDSA.

Kung ang papupuntahan mo’y daraanan ang EDSA
Pansinin mo at paghambing-hambingin
Ang pagkakapareho’t pagkakaiba-iba
Ng mga tao at kabuhayang kinakatawan ng bawat loading at unloading points –
Ang magulong masa ng Rotonda,
Mga de-klaseng tao ng Ortigas at Ayala,
Estudyante’t blue-collar workers ng Boni, Quezon Av at Buendia
Guadalupe, Cubao, Mantrade
Kamuning, Annapolis at Estrella
Samu’t –saring kuwento ng bayan mula Taft hanggang SM North.
Mga kasaysayang umiikot sa kahabaan ng EDSA.

Kung ang pupuntahan mo’y daraanan ang EDSA
Mag-isip ka.
Ano ang ipinahihiwatig ng mga eksenang nakkita mo
At ano ang papel mo sa lahat ng ito
Hanapin mo ang aral sa bawat tagpo ng buhay na matatanawan mo
Sa kahabaan ng makasaysayang lansangang kung tawagin
Ay EDSA.



16th November 2001

Aurora.



Mornings are special times –
    The hush of the early hours
    When all the world is still;
    Only a slight breeze signals
    The approach of a brand new day.

It is my time of reflection
When I feel that peace is
for the meantime, mine.
In the company of pen, papers, and coffee
I welcome the brightening of the eastern skies
While the rest of humanity
Still resides in dreams.



12th October 2001

Hindi nagsasalita ang Bespren ko.



Masyado daw akong independent 
Kaya walang nagtatanong
Kahit mga mata ko’y
Natatakpan na ng lambong
Self-reliant  naman daw ako eh
Resilient at kung anu-ano pa
Kaya naman ‘pag may problema
Lagi na ‘kong nag-iisa

Pero ‘di ko magawang masanay
Kahit nga ba matagal na
Na walang napaghihingahan
Sa  tuwing ako ay may problema
Di ba nga ‘no man is an island’,
Pero bakit gano’n?
Lagay ba naman, feeling  nila
I can always make it on my own?
Buti na lang kahit ‘papaano
May bespren din si ako
Na kahit di nagsasalita
Nasasabi ko kahit ano
‘Yun nga lang, lagi akong ingat
Lalo na ‘pag ma-drama’ng sumbong
Dahil ‘pag sumobra ang pag-iyak
Ang bespren ko’y punit tiyak.
 
 28th September 2001


September 11, 2001



Remember them Lord, those who perished today
Those who with rubbles and ashes lay
Those whose last words of love
Were heard echoing from the skies above

Remember them Lord when at last they come calling
Through Heaven’s gates. Please welcome them home.
And bless their families.
With your love, please heal them.
Bless too those souls whose bravery,
On this day, shone.


Ruminations #1

 
I am a mirror
Behind me is despair
Lurking just beyond the surface
Biding time before it emerges.

I know that there is hope
I’ve spied its spark from deep within.
But alas, I’m at a loss to draw strength from it.
From weariness, my vision’s gone dim.

In my eyes can’t you see the sadness ?
Perhaps you do but you choose to ignore…
Scared that if you dare acknowledge it
You’ll find a reflection of your own soul.





20th August 2001

Life in the Ivory Tower



I walk the roads and what do I feel
Gloom, depression, fear
I glance around and what do I see
Gray, looming clouds and age-old trees
I listen to what sound there is
I hear the dripping of a million tears
Unshed, unvoiced by the scholars’ minds
All yearning for a minute’s peace


20th August 2001

Life in the Ivory Tower

 
I walk the roads and what do I feel
Gloom, depression, fear
I glance the roads and what do I see
Grey, looming clouds and age-old trees
I listen to what sound there is
I hear the dripping of a million tears
Unshed, unvoiced by the scholars’ minds
All yearning for a minute’s peace


10th August 2001

Shattered.

This love, it is glass -
pure, innocent, true
Trusting, unsuspecting
It doesn't hold back but gives everything,
shows everything to you.

Yet you smeared it with lies
Faced it with a mask
Ever distorting the image within
You punctured the surface with slivers of hate
Now this glass -
it's all broken; dim.

There's nothing now but blackness
An empty heart, a soulless entity
A million fragments flying into the wind
A pervading air of misery

So tell me, are you happy now?
Where has that pure image gone to?
The day I find my reflection back
Never again would I entrust it to you.



2nd August 2001

Shattered.

 
This love, it is glass -
pure, innocent, true
Trusting, unsuspecting
It doesn't hold back but gives everything,
shows everything to you.

Yet you smeared it with lies
Faced it with a mask
Ever distorting the image within
You punctured the surface with slivers of hate
Now this glass -
it's all broken; dim.

There's nothing now but blackness
An empty heart, a soulless entity
A million fragments flying into the wind
A pervading air of misery

So tell me, are you happy now?
Where has that pure image gone to?
The day I find my reflection back
Never again would I entrust it to you.




2nd August 2001

1st exam jitters



I ran too fast, now I’m panting
Seated in front, seems like hiding
Behind me is the girl in red – a compliment to the green shirt I’m wearing
Boy! Christmas colors, come to think of it
My nerves are still jittery, damn it!
It’s almost  three-quarters past eight
Shucks! The prof is late
Are we going to take the test or not?
Whatever. Can’t say I studied a lot.

24th July 2001 (PH124)

The epitome of boredom (MainLib blues)



Watching the clock
Checking if its time
To get out of this stupor
While searching for a rhyme

It’s pathetic, it’s cruel
The way I sit and endure
This seemingly self-inflicted punishment
It really is pure torture



3rd July 2001  (DMLF)

Prelude to MainLib blues



I think its about time I write
A whole new set of Main Lib blues
What else can I do in such a case
Might as well put my time into good use

Still , no matter what I do
Six hours of waiting is hard to fill
This noon I’ve had lunch, and read 2 books
Yet there remains four more hours to kill

I’m afraid this boredom’s driving me up the wall
How else shall I pass the time?
Imagine going through four more months of this
Its so unfair, it must be a crime! 

(1st SEM, 2001-2002)
3rd July 2001, 3:15 pm / DMLF

Because You Are.


I am running away
I'm hiding
Because I don't want to confront
 this insistent ghost
So confused - my mind is reeling
Screaming from this madness,
From the seeming loss.

Yes, you're here   
but I'm not sure if you're still
The cherished friend I have loved and known
By one lie borne of suspicion,
I seemed to have driven you away
Heavens! The thought just scares me so.


- 29TH June 2001

Mon Ami


And I thought I've exorcised my demons
When I gave vent to my collected steam
But you're more than a powerful specter that lingers
You're an elusive but continuing dream

You're wreaking havoc upon my reason
A sniper who caught me with my defenses down
A torment, a savage storm to my sensibilities
A kryptonite to all the strength I own


18th June 2001

Lingering thoughts.


Lingering thoughts
Are fingerprints in the mind
An imperceptible shock wave
That nevertheless disturbs the consciousness.

It is a thought that's unshakable,
    Impossible to ignore
Like the soundless whispering of a gentle breeze
It moves the heart
    And makes the spirit
Restless.

- 7th June 2001

Enrollment blues 2001 #1



It’s Reg time na naman
And as usual gutom na ‘ko
K’ya lang as usual din
'alang perang pan-lunch si ako
Okei lang, sanay na naman
And to think problema ko tuition
But by the grace of our Lord, alam ko,
Magagawaan ng paraan ‘yon
Third year n asana ‘ko ngayon
Kaso nagkaloko-loko
K’ya nga I’ve to quit running around n
Coz nasasayang ang panahon
“ba ‘to, ba’t tunog coño yata
ang pinagsusulat ko dito ngayon
Trip ko lang, o basta lang ba,
O nalipasan na naman ako ng gutom ?!


 (1st  SEM, 2001-2002)
6th June 2001, 1:00 pm / Eng’g lobby

Dilim.



Sa dilim aking kakapain
Ang gamunggong butil ng pag-asa
Aking aaninawin
Ang aandap-andap na ilaw
Ng paparating na umaga
Pagtatagni-tagniin,
Unti-unting bubuuin ang mga pangarap
Bagama’t sa ngayo’y nalalambungan pa rin ng ulap
Bagamat sa ngayon,
Ako pa ri’y nasa dilim.



23rd May 2001

My Li’l Obsession



This is for you
to whom I dared voice out my thoughts
to whom I laid open my heart
to whom I willingly presented myself as I am
All without pride
And with but little fear

This is for you
the one who amazed me by the spell
you seemed to have cast over my being
the one who gave me bliss for half a night
the one who held me in a trance
figuring out the whys and hows 
of everything that has to do with you 

This is for you my li’l obsession
You who are now nothing but a memory
The lines of face I can barely trace
The voice just faint echoes in the chambers of my mind

This is for you.
A salute,
and a wish that someday we may meet again and be friends
Coz for now this wish is all I could ever have
And its all I could ever give you

This is for you,
A farewell.

2001 April 09



"Masamang Biyahe."

BAD TRIP !
... ang tawag sa damdaming ito.
Grabe, talagang nakakapang-init ng ulo
Sa sobra gusto ko tuloy manakit ng tao
Para mabawasan naman ang maalab na pagsisimbuyo

Ng aking ma-‘emote’ na kalooban
Na ‘pag tinopak, ang hirap kalaban
Nagtatalo ang galit,. pagpapatawad,
at samu’t saring agam-agam

Puwede ba, Kuya Aga
Iyong masaya naman!!!


26th March 2002

Cocoon.

 
Nothing but a disembodied voice
    a muffled cry for help
    and a crumbling spirit.
No one but a ghost of a friend
    a gust of wind for a listener
    and deafening silence for an answer.

So I bow down
Not because I am weak but because no one hears.
Not so much because of defeat but of hopelessness.
Not because I want to,
but because I don’t see any other choice.

And all I ever wanted was
    to find my rightful place
    to be heard.
So I retreat
    to where no hurt could touch me
    where no pain could again suffocate
    where everything maters no longer.

Now I float
    past the edge
    past the mocking and searing pain
    past the weariness
To the cold and serene world of the dead.



18th March 2001

In all seriousnes.


Soul,
Awake thyself
from  such benumbing stupor
If thou suffer,
At least continue the struggle.
Don’t turn away.
Don’t run.
Do what it is that you must.
Contend with the fears that render you helpless.
Awake, oh awake !
Shake thyself free from the mediocrity of such an existence.
You are, what ?
A rock ?
So be one. Be steadfast.
A bird ?
Don’t fly away.
Soar. Triumph over.
A smoker ?
Have HOPE.
Smile. Act. Awake.
NOW!


- 3.7.01

Weird



…and silly
How you’re confusing and scaring me
A stranger that you are
And a stranger that I am
    to me
    to you

…like this verse
Like my train of thought
And my yearning to know you
(How dare I?)

..coz even though I know
That all these will eventually subside
I still insist, still want to reach out
Want to at least be an acquaintance
Want to, at most, be your friend.

…and kind of embarrassing
But then, who cares?
Bear with me.
Or at least, smile.
Because I guess I’m just
Weird

2001 February 26


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