These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

"Allen"



Here I am
Thinking
About a song that has nothing to do with you
But at the same time wond’ring
If I’ll have the slightest chance
Of again seeing you.

Don’t wanna nourish a hope
Yet a part of me has started to
Don’t wanna develop a crush
But I’ve already crashed on you.
Don’t want to know the slightest bit about you
Yet I’m yearning to know your name.

No, don’t wanna remember anything
Especially not the charming twinkle of your eyes,
Yet it keeps on coming back.
Haunting, taunting, and frustrating me
Though nothing’s to be done
But wait till the memory of you
Is gone.

2000 November 24
*may nakita lang akong cute sa Engg a kamukha ni Allen sa Vision of Escaflowne ;p

For my tree.


You were for me the embodiment of majesty
Of wisdom infinite but real
Your quiet grace revealed to me
Clues, meanings to the things I feel

The sight of your silhouette
etched vividly across a dramatic sky
Every morning, brings me incomparable joy
Your simple beauty, an inspiration;
A blessing to both soul & soil.

Now naught are the evidences
of your former glory
But someday I know
you’ll be back for sure
Even reduced to a stump, my dear tree
You’re showing me how,
in this life, to best endure.


- 11.00

on TTA



You wrote of vanishing one’s fears
But you didn’t tell me how
Could it be that the song wasn’t for real;
That you have never experienced it yet somehow?

I find it offending that you should write
About something that means so much to me.
I am more than dying to be alive.
I want the whole world to hear and see!


2000 November 13

commentary on Hanson's This Time Around album


Enrollment blues #3



Hey, hey, did you know
Sa pagtunganga ko kanina
At long last I saw one guy
Na from now on I’d be on the look-out na
Grabe pa daw sa pa-epek
Akala mo talagang dedma
Tumitiyempo lang naman akong
Masilip ang mukha nya
Yeah, he’s really cute
But not the type na mukhang tuta
And I ain’t yet sure but I think
Na sa mata na naman ako nakuha
Naks, sobra talagang corny!
But I swear you’d scream if you’ve seen him too
Simple lang pero lakas ng dating
And he has a disarming smile too.

(for 2nd SEM, 2000-2001)

9th November 2000, (12:10 NN)

Enrollment blues #2



Hoy, alam mo ba
Kanina pa ‘ko nakatanga
Walang ginagawa
Mukhang naghihintay saw ala
Noong Tuesday pa ‘ko
Nagmumukhang  gago
Nagbabakasakaling matawag ang number ko
Kaya lang nananadya yata
Talaga’ng tadhana
Thursday na ngayon
At ako pa ri’y nakatunganga
(Buti man lang kung may pang-lunch! Grrr!!!)

(for 2nd SEM, 2000-2001)
9th November 2000, (12:00 NN)


Enrollment blues #1



What now, another set of blues?
This time around, enrolment naman
“no ba yan, grabee, so kakabus-
Kakabuwiset.. ba’t ba ganito’ng college ko?!
Tuwi na lang enrolment, ang gulo-guko
Ang tagal  ng service
Madalas tuloy late ako
(Grrr, singkwenta pesos na naman!)
Bwiset talagang buhay ‘to
Okei n asana eh kun’ di damay pati mga subject
K’ya lang sa minalas-malas
Pati ‘yon nagkalintek-lintek.

 (for 2nd SEM, 2000-2001)

9th November 2000, (11:30 am)

Evolution.

Like a tiny fern to a mighty redwood,
I am  being molded
By and through –
TIME
STRIFE.
Slowly yet surely I know
That I am being led to my destiny,
To my niche,
To my rightful place in this patch of universe called
Earth
And all is starting from deep within
From an idea, a hint, an inkling and a feeling
To a memory
A realization
A belief
A principle that would be the basis
of the life I’d lead
I am changing,
Growing,
Changing,
BECAUSE OF & THRU
HIM.



- 9.21.00

Nagtatanong Lang.



Kung ikaw ako,
Pa’no mo bibigyang kasagutan ang mga tanong na bumabagabag sa ‘king dibdib ?
Pa’no mo bibigyang liwanag ang kalituhan ng isip?
At ang takot na s’yang pumaparalisa sa akin
Pa’no mo magagawang pawiin ?

Kanino ka tatakbo ‘pag pakiramdam mo’y nag-iisa ka ?
Sa harap ng matinding pagsubok, makakaya mo kaya?
Ano’ng iyo’ng gagawin pag ika’y nasaktan ?
Pa’no mo lilimutin ang isang pangit na nakaraan ?

Kung ikaw ako,
Nais kong malaman kung ano ang gagawin mo
Kapag pagod ka na sa katatnong
At kahahanap ng sagot , tulad ko.



19th September 2000

From MATH to AS...



Did you see the sky today?
T’was an interesting shade of blue
With white and grey
and silver streaks
Really quite a peculiar hue.

How great must be the Artist
Who painted such a masterpiece!
How magical is His palette!
What wonderful hands are His!

So, did you see the sky today?
I’m sorry for you
if you’ve missed it.
For such beauty, such vision is like a priceless gift
It was a blessing
just to have seen it.


1st sem, 2K

For Gemma



You of sunshine and cheer
A mere rosebud in the garden of life
I wish you bounteous joy and luck In times of

vicissitudes and strife;
May your bubbling brook of smiles
Never dry up and be replaced by tears
May you manage to maintain your vibrancy
As you learn to face all your fears.
Youthful and refreshing always
As such may the years find you
And as you tread your way into this garden
May cynicism fail to corrupt you.

2000 August 28
‘Gemma’ is Gemma O. Cruz, my blockmate (G-34,UP-Eng’g, CS,99-00)who also happens to be my co-birthday celebrant

Dare To.

 
I feel nasty.
There’s nothing but hatred within.
Guilty feelings don’t count
Guess its ‘coz I’m tired of trying
To understand
Though how I hate being this way
Yet there’s no use fighting
I’ll just end up insane
And either way
I’d still be the one to blame.
So leave me alone.
Don’t even dare.
No sense in pretending.
You simply don’t care.
Nobody gives a damn
I’ll just make do with what I can
I don’t need hypocrites
To further cause me pain!

 9th August 2000


Fragments

 
Logic has shied away
Sanity’s losing grip
No calm, no serenity anymore
Can’t breathe nor even think
A storm breaking somewhere
The dawn still hours away
Walls are closing in tightly, suffocating me –
A blind paralytic
Engulfed by the rising tide
Drowning at its waters.
Stop the gnawing feeling!
I’m overwhelmed, sick.
Something’s struggling to get out of me…
I’m at a loss
And lost.
Here yet nowhere.

24th July 2000

Two-face.



The blessings:
    A certain gift of vision,
    Imagination,
    Sensitivity,
    And an aura of mystery
        mere mortals don’t have.
    An ability to speak from within
    To wield power
    Through the eloquence of the pen.

The curse:
    Constantly obsessed
    and possessed by words –
    Demons impossible to exorcise
    Yet at times still unable to exactly express
    The angst,
    The hurt,
    The pain;
    The tragedies that wound more deeply
    Because of the "poetic gift".



24th July 2000

Tempus Fugit



Naririto ka ngayon at namamalas mo
Ang iyong sarili na napapagitnaan
Ng samu’t-saring mga bagay
Sa mundong kasalukuyan mong ginagalawan

Sa wari mo’y palagi nang ganyan
Iisa lang ang takbo, ang inog nito
Saanmang anggulo mo ito sipatin
Paikot pa rin ang direksyon, ika mo.

Paikot. Hindi nagbabago.
Katulad ng buhay na iyo nang nakagawian
Kaya naman kay raming detalyeng di mo na pinapansin
At mga taong iniiisip mong mananatiling nariyan.

Oo nga naman, sapagkat tuloy ang ikot ng mundo
Kaya’t maano ba’ng lumipas ang panahon
Anu’t ano nama’y laging may bagong umaga
At lagi ring may bagong pagkakataon.

Kaibigan, maliwanag na ang diwa mo’y himbing pa
Hinggil sa mga bagay na nakasanayan mo na
Maaari bang imulat mo na’ng mga mata
At malasin mo ang mga ito ng may bagong pang-unawa?

Alalahanin mong sa bawat ikot ng mundo
Ay maglalaho ang bawat ngayon
At kasabay ng pagbabgo, ang mga dating nariyan lang
Ay nagiging bahagi na ng itinuturin’ mong noon.

Kaibigan, tumatakbo ang orasan
Kailan ka pa kikilos at magpapahalaga?
Huwag mong hintaying ika’y magising na lang
Na walang tangan at nag-iisa.

21st June 2000

Summer enrollment blues #4



Boredom’s killing me, kanina pa ‘ko dito
And yet sa tinagal-tagal, ‘ala pang result kahit ano
Kainis kasi talaga, gusto ko nang umuwi
At sa bitin na tulog, ako nama’y babawi
“ala na ‘kong magawa talaga
Ni ang magbasa ay ayaw ko na
Maski pa ba ang novel ay kay Anne Rice
Iyong Interview With The Vampire  niya




Eng’g lobby

17th April 2000, 2:41 pm

Summer enrollment blues #3



I’m really not so sure, but I think it was him
Just can’t clearly remember
Coz the memory’s gone dim
But he sure looked a lot like a male version of Mischelle
Features which I thought I’ve come to know so well
But there’s this great change
in the way he looked to me
He wasn’t as charming as I thought
Just more than ‘a trifle’ pretty

 Eng’g lobby


17th April 2000, 2:12pm


Summer enrollment blues #2



Kainis talaga ang sistemang UP
Kaya hellish ang buhay ditto
Ang hirap maging happy
You have to be real tough, and rough and ready
Kung di ‘agang retirement o kick out ang mangyayari
Pero sabi nila, its all worth it naman daw in the end
Eh pa’no nga kung feeling mo
buhay mo’y magdidi-end?!
Siguro nga depende rin sa iyong state of mind
Which for my part at this moment is
Fate isn’t really that kind




outside FC 3142



17th April 2000, 12:56 pm



Summer Enrollment blues #1




Oh God, ineligible na naman si ako
Ba’t ba ‘ng buhay ko’y lagging ganito
Pasakit na naman ang pagkahahabang mga pila
Not to mention ang mga oras ng pagtunganga
Kainis naman, ano ‘be ‘to!
Daig ko pang nag-extend ng Biyernes Santo
K’ya lang . no choice, ‘ala talagang magawa
Kundi ang pumila, maghintay, ngumawa!


(outside FC 3142)


16th April 2000


Beyond



If you will but listen, then you will clearly hear
The anguished cries of many a tormented soul-
Seemingly indiscernible among the harmonious voice of multitudes
But definitely there.

If you will but remove your prejudices
Then you will clearly see
Desolate figures haunted by loneliness
Hidden though they maybe
By a veil of hauteur, or
By a mask of pretend gaiety and fulfillment.

If you will but try to discern
True feelings under false pretenses
Then you will know
That many an action is done not out of a sincere desire to hurt
But as a desperate attempt to salvage
What little dignity and pride is left.

If you will but open your heart
Then you will comprehend
The misery and wretchedness of someone
Who has gone through so much pain
In simply trying to unravel
The mystery and meaning of the word
LIFE.


7th April 2000

Excerpt.



Yesterday, loneliness was reflected in my eyes
Today, its trace is still upon my face
And it’ll still be here tomorrow
A testament of the grief burdening my mind
Since you went away.

I can no more reach you for you’ve gone too far
And as long as you’ll remain to be (beyond my reach)
Things will never be the way they used to.

The sunshine that used to reach out to me when you were still here
Will no longer be enough to illumine me
Whenever I find myself in darkness.
I don’t think there will even be any.
Not anymore
For indeed never again will there be radiance
As bright as that which used to shine from you.

What serenity there was in my once blissful world,
All ended when I ceased hearing your voice
Without it there’s no more calmness in every reigning silence of midnight.
Instead, all that would be heard
Are the pitiful cries of my broken heart.

It is all because of you cruel memory!
You’ve left me with nothing but reminisces both bitter and sweet
Like the vivid picture of the time you shared with me your happiest thoughts
Or those moments when you cried out your sorrows

And you expect me to forget.
How can I?
Tell me, how can I.
When I can’t ease even a little of my pain
When after all this time,
Even though things are no longer the way they were
I still keep on remembering.

(A modern trying-hard tragedy)

2000 March 17*exaggerated version nang naisulat para sa isang ex



MainLib blues # 2



Nak nang … , nasaan na ba
Ang kuwentong (sabi ni Mitch) nanalo raw sa Palanca
Kundangan naman kasi’ng di alam ang year
At nalimutan ko pang dalhin
Ang kopya ng author at  ‘taytil’

Nak nang…, nagrarambol nang mga bulate ko
Sa pagngawa’y daig pang myusik
Ni Nicanor Abelardo
Si Nakpil nga ba talaga nag gumawa ng CCP
O nagloloko lang ang aking memory ?
Ba’t ba wala ‘yon sa librong ‘to
Ah, bahala na nga kayo sa mga research ‘nyo !




UP Main Lib
General Reference Section


14th March 2000


MainLib blues # 1



Inaantok, nababato
Nadoble nang sakit nang ulo
Ano ba ‘yan! Uwi na ‘ko –
Pero hinde, kailangang magtiyaga
Kinse minutos pa bago makawala
Sa hawlang ito na puno ng libro.
Ba’t ba ang tagal i-process ng microfilm print-outs ‘ko?!

Nak naman ng bwiset !
Isang pagkalaki-laking ‘BAKEET?’
Trenta minutos pa, gayong mga mata ko’y…
Interruption: tawag na ‘ko no’ng mama
Hay salamat, (buntunghininga)
Tapos na rin pala.


UPD DMLF, Periodicals Section
2nd table, 1st row


07 January 2000

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