These are but vain attempts to express, by one who wears her heart on her sleeve. Words, much like love, can be ever elusive... ever frustrating... like trying to paint a million stories on a single canvass. If you will read, please do not ask. Just feel. Or at least try to. The meaning is, whatever you have felt to be there, or the lack thereof :)

Choose to be braver


10:43, 11/30, GF, home

Dearest, 

I simply cannot just open my heart to the world. I am a very guarded person simply because I think too much and feel too deeply, and become too attached to things and people and memories.  So I pray that when you finally see me and recognize me for who I am, you choose to be a little more braver. Only then can I dare to also meet you halfway. I can only respond to what you will be showing me, and to the sincerity in your heart. Show me you at your truest, rawest, most vulnerable. It may seem too much to ask, but know that that's how I want to learn to love you too; and that is also how I yearn for you to know me. There is a vastness inside me that remains unexplored, and I know that I will only be able to do that with someone who is not afraid of untold depths and adventure. 

I know that I will never be an easy choice, darling. I have important roles and significant burdens and scary dreams and irksome complexities that can prove too much for the average person to want to embrace and accept. My unending curiosity and hunger for life and knowledge will also make it difficult for me to remain the same person long enough for someone to adjust. So I pray that you will always choose to be a little braver every single time, and at the end of every day, always be brave enough to choose me. Because when you do commit to choosing me every day to share your heart and your future with, you would have given me the safety net and hence, the freedom to fall for you and choose you to be my best friend and partner-in-crime for life. There will be no going back. All our roads will be onward, and life will be a constant adventure. 

I pray that God continue to bless us with more courage to make the most of each day. Til then.

Dette
11:13 PM

August Bernadette 

The worm


Cannot remember what 
occupied my thoughts before 
you made it your home you
blasted parasite of an idea, 
worming your way into my brain
and gorging on my feelings.
How fat must you've grown
being so fully nourished; 
having consumed all my thoughts,
junk food that they are 
being free of rationality. 
How the hell do I 
starve you to die, so you can 
leave me be? 

August Bernadette 

Love is not for the fainthearted

10:27 AM
11/28/2018

Dearest,

It has been awhile since I have written. The last time, I thought you were already somewhere nearby but I was wrong, and that mistake cost me more than four years of struggle, rebuilding myself again. Earlier this year, while crossing a street on my way to work, I suddenly had this strong feeling that meeting you soon was imminent. I guess it has always been imminent. The real question here is how soon enough is "soon"

You know that I have yearned for you for the last 15 years. Though I have found profound strength and fulfillment in my independence, I know nothing will compare to the joy of finally being reunited with you. Still, to this day you remain unknown and sorely missed - a fervent prayer only God can answer. I wonder what your story is; how you have been doing all these years. Have you had your heart broken too? Did you make the same mistakes that I did, thinking someone else who excited your heart for a moment must finally be me? It feels pathetic to hope for someone so unsure. How can I differentiate heart recognizing heart vs. the lonely yearning of someone who has yet to fully know romantic love? Some people resonate so strongly with the zeal of false prophets; and I am but too human not to want to fall for the seemingly romantic attentions of someone and indulge my affectionate heart.

It is crazy to my own eyes how cynical yet still hopeful I have become as evidenced by my words. On one hand I still hold on to the hope of finally knowing you, but on the other, I am so tired of mistakenly trusting the wrong people. One can argue that they are but lessons meant to prepare my heart so I can better appreciate you. But they have made me pay such a high price darling, for daring to believe that they were you. And what about you? What dues have you paid in your search for me? What keeps you believing?

I have asked God to at least have you as a friend now, but it had only made me more anxious to just know you already. I don't want to lose my way anymore as I journey home towards you. But how can I know that I have finally met you?

I am so in need of courage so badly these days. Love is never for the fainthearted, and I wanted so much to prove that I deserve you. But I guess, I really don't have to. You will be the most worthy fall because you were meant to not only meet me halfway, but to finally welcome me home. I say this as a prayer to a God who remains the only reason I keep holding on for you. Let's keep the faith, and meanwhile, do our best to find joy in the everyday. Til then.

Dette

August Bernadette 

Fire-lit 2



You search me with your eyes
expecting me to look away -
you can't know how long I have waited
for someone
so brave, he'd dare look
inside my soul
and clearly see the fire
I often had to dim
so as not to scare
lesser mortals

5:00 AM, 1st November 2018

August Bernadette 

Furious


this feels like
all the heartbreaks
I have ever known
and I don't know how I lost my way
here again.
told myself 'no more' 
yet my stupid, stubborn heart
felt and -
did it really fall? 
or maybe,
that's just how starved
I am for love
and intimacy
after all

12th October 2018, 5:02 AM

August Bernadette 
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